I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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