Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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