Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
