I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Randomize
