shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
