she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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