since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize