bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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