Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
