If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
