I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
