Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
