Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
