I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
