There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
