am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
