I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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