We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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