ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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