I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
