booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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