So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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