I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
