She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My cat gives me a boner
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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