I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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