I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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