I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
