Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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