I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
