cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
