ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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