This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
