I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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