I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
