I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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