So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
