Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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