Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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