isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
