chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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