Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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