is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Randomize
