I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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