It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
