Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
