I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
