I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
