I wanna bring you to show and tell
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
