Will you blow on my dice?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm getting married
To pizza
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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