Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
