he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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