Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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