They should really pass out barf bags in church
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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