Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
