She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
