Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize