I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
