I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
