i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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